Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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