What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
