there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
