I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
