Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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