totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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