some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
