im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
