i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
