I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
