i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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