Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
