Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
