mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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