Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
