btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
