i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize