he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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