just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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