Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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