Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
