pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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