you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
