I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
