I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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