so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
