that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
