I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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