I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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