Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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