I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
