finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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