I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
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