things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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