I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
