He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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