your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
