He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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