Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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