guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
