i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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