Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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