JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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