dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
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He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
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I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Life without a bra equals bliss.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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