It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
40s are totally the cure
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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