oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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