I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
youre lurking in front of me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
