my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
