She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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