the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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