How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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