I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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