The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
