Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
