u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
