I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
