dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
