So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
