I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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