Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
