Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
