just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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