I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
