after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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