i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
